


Unrelenting Regret

by mechanicalanakal



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Rebels
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-20 18:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9504149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechanicalanakal/pseuds/mechanicalanakal
Summary: Ezra struggled with coping after the events of Twilight of the Apprentice. He found that harming himself brought momentary relief. The Ghost Crew did their best to comfort him, but eventually, they knew that it just... wasn't working. That this was just something that Ezra was going to do and nothing would stop him.





	1. Morning After

Ezra awoke in the middle of the night in a sleep-filled haze. He sat up in his bunk and felt everything ache. He stifled a groan, looking down at the bandages he'd put on before going to sleep- already soaked with blood. Ezra grumbled knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep so easily. Ignoring the urges to tear off the bandages and irritate the wounds, he laid back down and shut his eyes.

No, that wasn't going to work. Ezra wasn't sure how long he'd been laying there, but since he nearly fell asleep once or twice, he had to have been for long enough. He sensed that someone was awake, but he was far too exhausted to process who it was. In his daze, he carefully unwrapped his bandages. With his right arm fully exposed, he began to pick at the cuts.

As he did so, Ezra let his mind wander. His thoughts drifted to his master, Kanan, and how he would react if he knew what his apprentice was doing. That Ezra still felt like he was to blame for what happened. He knew he shouldn't have trusted Maul, he knew it was too good to be true. He knew it. He knew it- But one thought kept coming back and repeating itself. One thought kept getting louder and more prominent.

Would Kanan even care?

Ezra opened his eyes, stunned by the notion. He didn't understand how he came to such a conclusion, especially considering all that Kanan's done for him. He felt awful even suggesting it. Kanan loves him, of course he cares about what he's going through. Ezra shook his head, hesitantly turning his attention to the throbbing pain in his arm. Blood gushed from the open wounds and caked under his nails. Ezra began to shake and cry, not bothering to silence himself any longer. Kanan wouldn't care. He knows he wouldn't care. Of course he wouldn't care. Why should he even bother staying alive? Nobody on this godforsaken ship cares about him anyways. He knew it, he could just feel it.

Ezra shook his head, trying to drive away those awful thoughts. With a shaky hand, Ezra sniffled and whined as he rewrapped his bandages and silently promised himself he would get new, fresh ones in the morning. There was no brief euphoria following the self harm, there was no moment of relief. All there was, was the ever-present guilt that loomed over the boy's head. He felt like such a burden. Ezra wished that nobody would have to deal with him... and in theory, he had a way to do that, but it's not like he would do that now. No, the rest of the crew is too... attached. Ezra knew that and knew that hurting himself was just going to make things worse.

... But it's not like any of that was going to stop him, though.

Ezra grumbled as he woke up again. Did he really fall asleep, especially after all that? He cursed himself, wishing that he would be more careful and at least TRY not to get into this kind of situation. Hours had gone by since the last time he woke and everyone seemed to be awake by now. He began to wonder why nobody bothered to check on him- but decided that seeing how bad the damage he did was a... little more important. Carefully, Ezra unwrapped the already loose bandage. It was a lot worse than he thought it was, jagged cuts and deep gashes covered the surface. He groaned as the memories of the night before began to flood back.

But that didn't matter right now. What he needed to do was wash the dried blood off his arm and put fresh bandages on. After that, he would see how the rest of the crew was doing. For now, he climbed down the ladder and lowered himself to the floor. Making his way towards the door, he was stopped by a familiar voice behind him.

"Mornin', kid. Had a rough night?" Zeb asked, his tone not sounding too interested in a response. He was laying down in bed reading a datapad, not paying too much attention on Ezra.

Ezra jumped upon hearing him, wondering how he didn't know the Lasat was there. After calming down, he let out a small sigh before responding with, "Yeah... how 'bout you?" Zeb was quiet for a moment, scrolling through something on the datapad. "Ehh, couldn't have been bad as it was for you. You doin' alright?" Zeb sat up and faced him, motioning towards the cuts on the boy's arm. Ezra lowered his head a bit in shame. "I've... had worse. Don't worry about it," he eventually stated. Zeb didn't respond for a moment, he gave a look of pity before laying back down.

As Ezra was about to turn away and out the door, Zeb spoke up again. "Well, I uh... hope you feel better."

"...Thanks." With that unpleasant conversation out of the way, Ezra went out into the hallway. By now, all he wanted to do was go down to storage before anyone else tried to strike up a conversation.


	2. Look Out at the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra already felt like waking up was a mistake. After going to the cockpit and getting scolded by Hera for even considering doing something like this, he went back out into the corridor and tried going back to his cabin. Sadly, though, he was stopped by Sabine.

While going down to storage sounded like a good idea, Ezra thought it would be a better idea to go up to the cockpit and look out at the stars. Ezra clearly has his priorities set straight. Ezra made a left and headed past the others' cabins. The sliding door to the cockpit opened and was met with Hera sitting in her chair. Upon hearing the door open, she turned to face him. She was about to greet him when she noticed what he'd done to himself... again. Her expression changed to one that instilled an icy cold feeling.

"Go get yourself cleaned up," she said sternly before turning away from him again.

He was shocked for a moment. "I'm sorry," Ezra stuttered, hating himself for upsetting Hera like this. And just like that, Hera confirmed Ezra's suspicions. Nobody ever truly cared about him and that they were only putting up with him because he was useful. Now that he was damaged, he served no purpose. Ezra was about to apologize again, but felt that it would be better to just do as she said and go back into the hallway. He felt that it would be better to avoid the problem rather than make it worse. Just as he was about to leave, he heard Hera shift in her seat.

Ezra turned back to face her. "... Get better, alright? We care about you." Hera's tone had completely changed, now sounding sincere and genuinely concerned for the boy. But despite that, it still didn't feel real.

"I'm doing my best," Ezra muttered more than said.

With that, Ezra found himself back in the hallway, the door closing behind him as he went.  
He was hoping not to run into anyone else while trying to find the bandages.

Ezra felt more than a little numb as he walked down the corridor. He hoped that maybe there was a stash of medical supplies in his cabin somewhere. Then again, that would likely result in another awkward conversation with Zeb. Before he was able to get through the doorway, he was stopped by Sabine. She was stepping out of her room when she bumped into Ezra. She seemed to be in a better mood than usual, which Ezra was happy to see, but that all changed when she noticed the cuts on his arms.

"Are you okay, Ez?" She asked, concern obvious in her voice, sounding panicked. Ezra shifted uncomfortably as Sabine held his hand. "I-I'm fine, don't worry about it..." Ezra said. He didn't know exactly how to react to this sort of situation (he never did.) He was more shocked with Sabine pulling him in to a tight, close hug. She didn't let him go until Ezra let out a small squeak.

Without hesitation, Sabine dragged Ezra into her room.

"I'm sure I have a medkit around here somewhere... just hang on," Sabine stated while sifting through a drawer. "Oh! Feel free to sit down, by the way."

"... Thanks, Sabine."

Ezra sat down in the booth. He crossed his arms on the table, careful not to disturb his wounds... too much. Once or twice while waiting, he found himself picking at the cuts. In no time, he was bleeding again. Ezra silently cursed himself for doing that, knowing that Sabine would be upset at him for making such a mess- for hurting himself as well, but still... he's made a mess. Eventually, Sabine came back over to Ezra, medkit in hand, and was shocked to find what he'd done.

"What did you do?!" Sabine exclaimed. She froze for a moment before placing the kit on the table, opening it and retrieving some tissue. She carefully began to wipe up the blood both covering the table and Ezra's arm. Ezra felt horrible for causing Sabine so much trouble. He turned his gaze from the wounds to Sabine herself, noticing how panicked and stressed she was. The sight broke his heart.

"I-I'm sorry..." Ezra said, his voice sounding weak.

Sabine finished putting Ezra's bandages, fumbling with them as she spoke. "It's no problem, alright? You're fine."

But Ezra knew she was lying. Some time passed, the two talked for a while. Ezra talked about what was bothering him, how he felt responsible for what happened to Kanan and for causing the crew so much pain. Sabine tried her best to make him feel better and see that he didn't cause any of that at all. But of course, Ezra argued that it was his fault. In the end, the conversation ended badly and with Ezra getting kicked out of Sabine's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If one of you mentions Sabezra, I'm gonna scream.


	3. And Into the Night

Seeing no other option, he decided that going back to his cabin and completely isolating himself from everyone may not be that bad of an idea after all. With that, Ezra opened the door and stepped in. He noticed immediately that Zeb was no longer in his bunk and briefly wondered where he'd gone before deciding that it wasn't worth pondering for much longer. The door shut behind him as Ezra began to climb up and into his bed, burying his head into the pillow. He wanted to cry, but found that he couldn't. It felt like it just wasn't worth the effort. Nobody was going to come to him, no one was even going to attempt to make him feel better. It was as if nobody cared. It wasn't long before he started to nod off.

Ezra was always a light sleeper. He would have to be, considering how long he lived on the streets of Lothal. But right now, he was sleeping peacefully. His mind drifted to his parents. He remembered them being kind to him and took very good care of him no matter how hard things got. While the memories were good, the thought of them being no longer alive made Ezra feel... awful. He tried to think of something else, but that wasn't working either. It was another few minutes before he heard a familiar voice calling to him and felt a familiar presence. He stirred in his sleep, tossing and turning, not wanting to be awoken. The sound of his Master's voice echoed through Ezra's mind, stirring him from further his light sleep. The voice didn't say much nor was it very clear, but the tone was enough to shake him awake. 

_"Come here."_

Ezra grimaced at the thought of getting up, but when his Master's voice came back, louder and demanding, Ezra got up and climbed down. He stumbled for a moment, realizing that he'd gotten up far too quickly. He ran his hand through hair, trying to get the spare strands out of his vision. With that out of the way, it only took him a second to get back out in the corridor. Just the sight of the dim halls made him sad. He took a right and hesitated for a moment before stepping into Kanan's room. He was expecting the Jedi to scold him for bothering the rest of the crew. That, or maybe Kanan would finally admit how he truly felt about the boy. Ezra always thought Kanan was angry at him, that he hated him for causing his blindness and the death of Ahsoka. Though he couldn't sense it, that's always what he thought. Kanan sat on his seat, waiting for Ezra to say something. When he didn't, he spoke up.

"Are you alright, Ezra?" Kanan's voice came out and tore Ezra away from his thoughts. The sound soothed him for a moment.

Ezra sat across from Kanan and thought for a moment. He didn't really know what to say. "I'm... fine, why do you ask?" He accidentally let out a nervous laugh as he finished his sentence. The last thing Ezra wanted or could do was talk to him about what was going on, about how he was feeling. No, Ezra felt like it didn't matter how he was coping with those events, he just knew that he had to.

"I know you're lying." Kanan's tone sounded cold, but only for a moment. "Ezra... I'm always here to talk if you ever need to, you know that." The Jedi didn't really know what to say to the Padawan. As much as he wanted to help, he knew that he couldn't do much of anything for him. Ezra lowered his head in shame. His voice caught in his throat and couldn't think of anything good to say. He so badly wanted to scream, cry, get it all out. But of course, he couldn't let himself do that. Ezra couldn't put such a burden on Kanan. He's done enough as it is. Kanan was quiet for a moment- that was until he heard soft sobs come from the other who sat in front of him.

"Don't cry, I-..." Kanan got up, carefully making his way over to his apprentice before wrapping his arms around him. "I'm here for you, Ezra."

Kanan sat next to his apprentice and Ezra basically collapsed into his Master's arms, not bothering to keep himself for sobbing anymore. As he did, he was soothed by the feeling of Kanan rubbing light circles into his back. He kept muttering various "It's ok"s and "I'm here"s, and there's nothing that Ezra wanted more than to hear it. They stayed like that until his sobs and cries began to fade. Ezra sat up, wiping away the remaining tears.

"I-I'm sorry for crying..." Ezra said weakly. Kanan sat up, an arm still wrapped around him. "Don't be sorry," he said. "If it helps, cry as much as you need to." Ezra smiled a bit before giving Kanan another tight hug.

"Thank you, Master."


End file.
